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Talk:Dark Fears/@comment-25326117-20160524034201
1). This is the first time that I heard the name Lindy. 2). Backing my backpack, ''I think you mean ''packing my backpack, right? 3). Camping with friends is one of the best ways to spend a hot, '''and '''lazy summer. '' (I added the 'and 'because it helped the sentence flow better). 4). "Lets get going already!" I swung my backpack over my shoulder and followed her. (You might consider adding a comma in '''Let's' because it's short for and Let us '''and you might consider adding it into the sentence. '' "Let's get going already!" I swung my backpack over my shoulder and followed her).'' 5). ''We stopped by my aunt to fetch Samson. '' (You might consider adding another ' since aunt in this case is possessive since they are going to her aunt's house). ''We stopped by my aunt's house''' to fetch Samson. '' 6). We said goodbye to my aunt and, with Samson, we were ready to go. We said goodbye to my aunt, '''and' with Samson, we were ready to go.'' 7). Waiting for us was a nice little lake house. Waiting for us was a nice',' little lake house. 8).We quickly collected the wood I had dropped. But I still felt a small sensation of being watched. (I heard you should never start a sentence with but). We quickly collected the wood '''that' I had dropped', but '''I still felt a small sensation of being watched. 9). (Why did you combine lake house in one of the sentences, yet continue separating the two words in later sentences? Well, in this sentence anyways: We set up in the '''lakehouse', playing around as we did so. A small sound from behind me '''made me jump, and I dropped the wood, fleeing back to the '''lake house). '' 10). (Did Lindy come back to the lake house? I mean the protagonist just suddenly got scared and fled back to the lake house. Wouldn't the protagonist then start thinking about Lindy? Perhaps, the protagonist was so terrified to go back by herself to the point that she forces one of the guys to go with her to look for Lindy and to gather up the wood. Of course, gathering up the fire wood would probably be an after thought. I am just saying). 11). I looked behind me to see the familiar figure of a''' discarded looking''' doll. (I am not sure if you need looking. I am sure the sentence is fine as: I looked behind me to see the familiar figure of a '''discarded' doll).'' 12). But this time, it wasn't moving towards me. Instead, it just stood there. (I might have to remind you that you don't start a sentence with but. 'Perhaps, you could re-word the sentence as: ''Things were different this time, it wasn't moving towards me, instead it just stood there. ''I am sure someone could better clarify the sentence than my attempt). 13). ''I awoke, screaming, crying and shaking. But the shaking wasn't just my own. (You could better re-word the sentence as:'' I awoke in a panic; screaming, crying and shaking, but the shaking wasn't just my own''). (I am not sure if I should have gone with '; '''or ':). 14). But an ending of what? (Maybe, you could re-word the question to this. What was going to end? I am not sure if that helped). 15). Getting out a flashlight, I turned it on, looking around the room. (You could re-word this sentence as the following: Getting out a flashlight, I turned it on and started looking around the room. ''You don't need the comma between '''on' and looking). 16). I WAS alone. Even Samson and the ferret were gone. But where were Lindy, Jared and Liam? (You could combine: I WAS alone, Samson and the ferret were gone together. But where were Lindy, Jared and Liam could be better off as Where were Lindy, Jared and Liam?) 17). (Wasn't someone suppose to put out the fire before heading to bed? What made the protagonist jump to the conclusion that everyone was gone and not just out somewhere? Couldn't the ferret and Samson be hiding? That's typical of animals. You could have said that the protagonist looked around the lake house for everyone, tried calling their names and waited for them, but they never came. That might be a good explanation to why the protagonist started freaking out, because she would know that something is up, because nobody around her usually acts like that). 18). (Why did the protagonist run into the woods? Was the vehicle that Liam, Jared, her, Samson, the ferret, and Lindy somehow in the woods near the lake? That seems a bit dangerous and cliched. Did she have anywhere else to run? Why didn't she make some sort of attempt at fighting back at the creatures or jump to the conclusions that some of these creatures were just her friends playing a harsh prank on her?) 19). (How much time had passed until Carmen's mom called the police? It could be a week and maybe she could have thought, "Why hasn't my daughter called me back? She was supposed to be gone for four days. Maybe, I should call her." After some time had passed, Carmen's mom could have grown frantic and then called the police). Overall, the story made Carmen out to be a scaredy-cat. She didn't put up much of a fight, especially with her reactions towards the creatures. Usually, the protagonist in such a story would fight back against these creatures and shout things like, "Where are my friends? What did you do to them?" or "Give them back!" It doesn't help that we don't know much about the characters sense there is not much of a build up to them. I can't say for sure that Liam and Jared were just pranking Carmen nor that Lindy was the type of friend to scream at the boys for such a harsh prank and try to calm Carmen down.